Please help me.. I am begging

Every time I feel like I almost have a leg up, my world seems to kick me right in the teeth over and over and over. Today I came home and my water was shut off. I swear every time something like this happens it makes me want to just walk over to the drawer and suck start that pistol. I’m going to try to ask for help… something I don’t usually do. But I’m going to try anyway. Unless you know someone who would just come over and shoot me in the forehead and walk out.. .that would honestly be preferable. I’m waterless, soon to be powerless, and homeless. I can’t feed my dogs. I’ve been drinking expired protein shakes for something like 8-9 months. Idk, I stopped counting. I just want life to NOT suck. But it’s a never ending battle. Seriously never ending.

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Anti-girl Problems Week 1: Day 4.

Intro to my work peeps:

the Freak – my boss who is a completely nutzo absolutely oversharing sex manic

The Tail – the other receptionist who only got hired because she’s friends with the Freak

Go to girl (GG) – the only one in the office I like

Southern Charm – for all the backhanded things she says while smiling but really means go fuck yourself with every smile

So today was in a great mood when I got to work. They moved me off the front desk into the side office with GG, which is nice because now I don’t get as much high school drama traffic. GG is teaching not only me, but two other girls how to do our jobs. No one is really helping her and The Tail spends most of every day in the Freak’s office gossiping.

I got yelled at for “sitting unprofessionally”. Which to her defense, I was, in fact, doing such. I was waiting for GG to finish teaching girl #3 something and my feet were on an open drawer as I was kind of crouch leaning forward – think bleacher stance. I was googling a word for my coworker because she didn’t believe my definition of “cohort”.

My boss (The Freak) says in what I took as a joking one,because she jokes with everyone, “hey stop texting and do some work”. I reply in a joking tone, “I’m not texting I’m googling a definition for GG”. I then say loudly, also in a joking tone, to GG, “hurry up and give me my next task!”. My boss walks in and tells me to come to her office.  When I get in there she completely lays into me about how unprofessional I am for my feet being up and if I don’t have anything to do then I need to find something to do. Which is funny because literally the day before, I was trying to be proactive and I started putting things away, taking out trash, wiping down cabinets, and washed all the coffee cups that were just left in the sink. As I was doing all that, The Tail was sitting in the Freak’s office.. gossiping. I apparently missed two phone calls and the Freak yells “HELLO!?!?! PHONE!!!!” Dude, wtf. Chick secretary #2 (the Tail) is sitting right next to you and um, you’re the OFFICE MANAGER. If things go unanswered regardless of whether I answer, you do, or some random does, it ALL reflects upon you. So just letting it ring to be a spiteful bitch?  Not super intelligent. So I go back to the desk and don’t leave again. Maybe it’s just me, but I was surprised to hear her tell me to leave the desk after telling me 24 hours prior not to leave the phones unattended.

But here’s my favorite part, AGAIN.. less than 24 hours prior, this SAME Freak who tells me I’M unprofessional was standing in the middle of the office talking about how she loves rough sex and she loves sucking dick but refuses to swallow because the only two people who swallow are hoes and bitches in love. Then she proceeds to go into seriously vulgar descriptions of how she gives blow jobs and how if a dude cums deep in your throat, it’s not technically swallowing because it’s already halfway down there. She was talking about licking a man’s asshole and how she loves a guy to put their entire tongue in her ass.. and on and on and on. Not only that, but this conversation STARTED at lunch. In public. I told them the conversation made me uncomfortable, but they just kept laughing. I was really embarrassed because there were several elderly people around and to me, that’s just trashy. I’m all for doing what you want in the bedroom, but can you keep it there… please? I don’t need to hear about it.

ANYWAY…  I want to know how you have the audacity to say that I am the unprofessional one when you are the one talking about all that disgusting stuff, in a doctor’s office, while I’m taking calls from patients on the phone, you sit in your office all day and gossip with Southern Charm and The Tail, and you’re the office manager. Dude, what world do you live in?!

Oh and today, I asked GG to watch the phone so I could pee, mind you The Tail is in the back gossiping somewhere. GG answers a call, then gets another one – from the back office The Tail and Freak are in. Then because GG didn’t automatically place them on hold, and I was mid-potty, the Freak screams “Who is answering the fucking phones?!” I came out of the bathroom and just looked at her with that ‘you’re a fucking moron’ face. Then snarkily responded with a “sorry I had to pee”.

I was seriously so close to telling her to go fuck herself and walking out. You legit spend half the day fucking off gossiping in your office and yet I’m the one who’s wrong.

Here’s my real issue, how do I know where my boundaries are if YOU are completely unprofessional all the time? I’m just going to play that bullshit “speak when spoken to game” and be done with it.

Just taking up space

This was written before, but I have updated and tweaked it to go more in depth with what I meant..

Does anyone else catch themselves doing this: you feel like you’re under appreciated at work and not valued as a person let alone an employee and you watch managers just absolutely suck or who are incredibly lazy and nothing happens because they are untouchable. You feel like you’re invisible as a hard worker and so your performance starts to decline because you no longer take pride in your work knowing that its all for nothing because others do less than you and still have jobs. But you still point out the flaws in the system because you’ve done it and know there are better ways to do it..yet you’re no longer a valid source of reason because you’ve been kind of a turd and they ignore you.. Which just adds to the decline in motivation to work hard. Which leads to showing up late, calling in, half assing things, or having a pissy attitude or not being proactive and ignoring or avoiding things that “aren’t your job”, you stop going the extra mile because no one notices or even says thank you and you feel taken advantage of…

I’ve been doing that a lot in the last two years, especially after I lost Donald.. And truthfully it’s not their fault.. It’s mine. I lost all motivation for everything somewhere between coming home from deployment, losing JD, losing my deployment friends, losing my purpose, and then worst of all – losing Donald on top of that. At some point I need to wake up and I need to stop looking for external validation and just do me. The problem is, I’ve lost sight of that person. I look at pictures from the past of me smiling and I wonder how long it’s been since those smiles were REAL and not forced. I wonder why they are all fleeting. I wonder when I will be able to FEEL happy like that again and not just plaster these fake cheerleader smiles on my face to get me through the day. I wonder when I became the girl who was afraid of her own shadow instead of the girl who was ready to take on the whole world single handedly with one arm tied behind her back.

It’s time to turn over a new leaf. I know this. I can’t live like this. Not because of work itself, but because I used to take pride in my work ethic and somewhere along the line I lost that. That huge bout of depression didn’t help either.. But I can’t wallow forever and I’m tired of being the girl no one can count on. I need to find that Warrior Princess everyone keeps saying I am..

Blog Disclaimer

I suppose I should mention that while most of what I write will be true, I am writing this for ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES and therefore will most likely embellish things and add to the true facts of the stories to pump up the interest level. That being said:

Some of the biggest reasons I hate working with women:

1. Idk if you’re grumpy, hungry, tired, on your period, sick, you have to poop, you ate yogurt and you’re stomach hurts now, or you just don’t like me.

2. Idk if you don’t like me right now, this minute or if you don’t like me in general, or if you’re already planning some behind the back vindictive bitch scheme to make my life miserable..

3. I can’t tell if you and the whispering in your office is about me or the other girl who was in there with you 5 minutes ago laughing and giggling..

4. Mostly I don’t like women bc they seem to always try to make others seem inferior. To prove somehow that they are better than you on any level. I never really understood why I hated women until I spent the last 3 hours staring at the wall bc I did in 3.5 hours what they couldn’t do in two weeks.. with 10 people. Did I make any catty comments to them about their inability to do it? No, bc what would I gain from that other than issues? But then I realized, every women like that.. The ones who make those comments, the backhanded compliments, the laugh after something mean to pretend it was a joke.. They all remind me of my mother.. And in HER eyes, I was, and never will be, anything.