Every time I feel like I almost have a leg up, my world seems to kick me right in the teeth over and over and over. Today I came home and my water was shut off. I swear every time something like this happens it makes me want to just walk over to the drawer and suck start that pistol. I’m going to try to ask for help… something I don’t usually do. But I’m going to try anyway. Unless you know someone who would just come over and shoot me in the forehead and walk out.. .that would honestly be preferable. I’m waterless, soon to be powerless, and homeless. I can’t feed my dogs. I’ve been drinking expired protein shakes for something like 8-9 months. Idk, I stopped counting. I just want life to NOT suck. But it’s a never ending battle. Seriously never ending.
This was written before, but I have updated and tweaked it to go more in depth with what I meant..
Does anyone else catch themselves doing this: you feel like you’re under appreciated at work and not valued as a person let alone an employee and you watch managers just absolutely suck or who are incredibly lazy and nothing happens because they are untouchable. You feel like you’re invisible as a hard worker and so your performance starts to decline because you no longer take pride in your work knowing that its all for nothing because others do less than you and still have jobs. But you still point out the flaws in the system because you’ve done it and know there are better ways to do it..yet you’re no longer a valid source of reason because you’ve been kind of a turd and they ignore you.. Which just adds to the decline in motivation to work hard. Which leads to showing up late, calling in, half assing things, or having a pissy attitude or not being proactive and ignoring or avoiding things that “aren’t your job”, you stop going the extra mile because no one notices or even says thank you and you feel taken advantage of…
I’ve been doing that a lot in the last two years, especially after I lost Donald.. And truthfully it’s not their fault.. It’s mine. I lost all motivation for everything somewhere between coming home from deployment, losing JD, losing my deployment friends, losing my purpose, and then worst of all – losing Donald on top of that. At some point I need to wake up and I need to stop looking for external validation and just do me. The problem is, I’ve lost sight of that person. I look at pictures from the past of me smiling and I wonder how long it’s been since those smiles were REAL and not forced. I wonder why they are all fleeting. I wonder when I will be able to FEEL happy like that again and not just plaster these fake cheerleader smiles on my face to get me through the day. I wonder when I became the girl who was afraid of her own shadow instead of the girl who was ready to take on the whole world single handedly with one arm tied behind her back.
It’s time to turn over a new leaf. I know this. I can’t live like this. Not because of work itself, but because I used to take pride in my work ethic and somewhere along the line I lost that. That huge bout of depression didn’t help either.. But I can’t wallow forever and I’m tired of being the girl no one can count on. I need to find that Warrior Princess everyone keeps saying I am..
I suppose I should mention that while most of what I write will be true, I am writing this for ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES and therefore will most likely embellish things and add to the true facts of the stories to pump up the interest level. That being said:
Some of the biggest reasons I hate working with women:
1. Idk if you’re grumpy, hungry, tired, on your period, sick, you have to poop, you ate yogurt and you’re stomach hurts now, or you just don’t like me.
2. Idk if you don’t like me right now, this minute or if you don’t like me in general, or if you’re already planning some behind the back vindictive bitch scheme to make my life miserable..
3. I can’t tell if you and the whispering in your office is about me or the other girl who was in there with you 5 minutes ago laughing and giggling..
4. Mostly I don’t like women bc they seem to always try to make others seem inferior. To prove somehow that they are better than you on any level. I never really understood why I hated women until I spent the last 3 hours staring at the wall bc I did in 3.5 hours what they couldn’t do in two weeks.. with 10 people. Did I make any catty comments to them about their inability to do it? No, bc what would I gain from that other than issues? But then I realized, every women like that.. The ones who make those comments, the backhanded compliments, the laugh after something mean to pretend it was a joke.. They all remind me of my mother.. And in HER eyes, I was, and never will be, anything.