Every time I feel like I almost have a leg up, my world seems to kick me right in the teeth over and over and over. Today I came home and my water was shut off. I swear every time something like this happens it makes me want to just walk over to the drawer and suck start that pistol. I’m going to try to ask for help… something I don’t usually do. But I’m going to try anyway. Unless you know someone who would just come over and shoot me in the forehead and walk out.. .that would honestly be preferable. I’m waterless, soon to be powerless, and homeless. I can’t feed my dogs. I’ve been drinking expired protein shakes for something like 8-9 months. Idk, I stopped counting. I just want life to NOT suck. But it’s a never ending battle. Seriously never ending.
Every day I wake up and I wish for my life to get better.. to have something to live for. Something I can focus on, to spend my time on.. to make life somewhat meaningful. I am lost. I’ve been lost for a long time. When I had Donald, I felt for the first time in a long time that the future held something for me. That I wasn’t just floundering around waiting for life to start. I felt like tomorrow was something to look forward to and not just a repeat of yesterday’s emptiness. I know that life should be something more than this. I know that there is supposed to be something out there that makes me happy. But I just can’t find it. The military held promise, but that chapter is about to close on me before I am finished. I don’t want to say goodbye to it. I felt like I had so much more to give. I’ve tried working out – but I just can’t find the motivation. I am so tired of being alone. So tired of having no one in my life to talk to, so tired of being alone. I have friends, but they have families and lives and children and everything else that takes precedence. I just want to matter. I can’t live like this. I hate my life. I don’t know how to change it. I’ve tried and failed so many times. I just want someone to love me.. anyone. Friends, family, some random stranger.. I don’t even care. Every time I think of leaving Beau, my chocolate lab, I cry. I don’t cry for the end of my life, I just cry because I know he will be confused and I have no idea if anyone would take him. And even if they did, would they love him enough to keep him happy? I just want the pain to stop. I just want the emptiness not to feel so dark and vast and never ending. I want to close my eyes and never open them again. I wish I could just get hit by a giant truck and be done with it all. Just make the pain stop. Make it all go away.
My friend and I went to see Magic Mike and of course, it was nothing short of droolworthy.. but the part in the movie that caught me off guard was the part where they are telling this woman that she is worthy. Worthy of love and worthy of being treated like a queen and having her every fantasy fulfilled because her husband should love her enough to want to SEE her. Her fantasy was making love with the lights on, listening to her favorite song. One of the guys in the movie started singing the song she mentioned and began touching her hair as knelt down in front of her and held her hands while he looked into her eyes.
It was this part that made me cry. Remembering you staring at me, touching my face and telling me how incredibly beautiful I was.. remembering you dancing with me in the kitchen to no music. Just you and me. The world completely melted away every time you looked at me. I loved coming home to you. I loved talking to you about my hopes and dreams and what we could accomplish together. I loved every minute of every day – even our fights. I cried because I don’t think it’s possible to find that more than once. I don’t think that anyone will ever quite understand me the way that you did. I won’t deny that you were broken. I am broken too. I was broken then, and even more so now without you.
“If I fall for you.. I’ll never recover. If I fall for you, I’ll never be the same.”
This is the continuation of the compilation of thoughts on different days throughout the last two years after losing the love of my life to suicide… the single most horrifying, traumatic experience I have ever been through. They are in no particular order. I’m crying right now just reading through them.. It will be two years in August.. Rest in Love my sweet handsome man. I love you most..
Every day.. every breath.. every smile.. every tear.. I miss you more and more and more. It never gets easier.. the pain never lessens, the memory never dulls in my mind.. It never feels like I didn’t get robbed of my future, my love, my life, my soul, my purpose for existence.. I feel so empty.. I feel so broken.. I’ve failed you in so many ways.. I dreamed about Tyson last night, he cried for you.. my dreams are so full of pain..so full of terror. I hate sleep, but at the same time I welcome it because sometimes you are there. I’d rather spend 1000 years asleep than one more minute without you awake. I’m so over this. I hate it. I hate being without you. I told you my life would end the day you left me.. and I was more right than I ever imagined. I love you more with every beat of my heart.. I only wish my heart would stop beating so I could hold you again..
There’s nothing I miss more than the simplicity that was us.. I miss how much love was between us.. how easy it was to be myself with you.. I miss how much you loved me.. I miss loving you.. feeling the love emanate from me just by looking at you.. how comforted I felt just having you close.. I miss everything about you, even our fights. I love you so much, no one can compare to you ever.. god I just wish things were different.. I miss you so much. I just want to hear you laugh and see you smile and smell your smell.. I just want to hold you..
I miss you so much..I remember what it felt like to open my eyes and see you.. your handsome face relaxed and content in your sleep.. arms and legs entangled in mine.. not wanting to move bc I didn’t want to wake you.. but knowing as soon as I did you would smile that sleepy adorable smile and squeeze me closer to you and say “just snuggo 5 more minutes mommy” and I’d kiss those lips, melting into you, never wanting to leave. I remember breathing in your scent, how it calmed me and reassured me.. how I knew you were my forever.. my heart is so empty without you.. and my arms still reach for in the night.. I would give anything to hold you, to kiss you, to redo everything in my life to make it right.. I love you Donald James..
“I keep hearing that… That the loss of a child is greater. I resent that, never have lost a child.. I resent having to feel like losing the love of my life, the only someone who ever made me feel like I was truly me, is somehow less of a loss.. is smaller than your loss. I am now broken. I’m now not me. I’m forever changed. I’m undone. A broken heart is a broken heart. To take a measure is cruelty.” I’ve been standing on the ledge for a long time.. the best anyone can give me is “suck it up” or “things will get better” .. where are you when all I need is comfort, to let me cry, to let me be irrational, to let me just feel, and then to help me pick up the pieces.. even when they are broken to the point of non recognition.. I just don’t care anymore. About me, about life, about anything that resembles moving on. They ask when I think I will start dating and in my head I wonder how people became so cold and heartless.. And I wonder if they even realize that it’s none of their fucking business. How do you replace your soulmate? How do you just pretend it never happened? I can’t. And I don’t want to. You weren’t prefect.. And I’m certainly no saint.. I just don’t have the energy to care enough about someone who isn’t you. I couldn’t even make you happy and I loved you with everything I am.. why would I try to make someone else happy? Life is dumb. I wish I could man up and let it go
I feel like I’m just sitting here waiting for life to start.. after all those years of pain, I found my soulmate just to lose you in the blink of an eye. I know we had our issues but I finally felt complete with you. Like the future had hope.. that I had finally found a purpose. I miss your laugh, the way you made every issue seem so little. You made me feel like I could conquer the world. I wish I had made you feel the same. I wish I could rewind time and just hold you. I miss everything about you.. I miss talking about everything and nothing, and I miss how safe I felt in your arms. I still have a hard time believing you aren’t here.. I wonder if I will ever be able to let go. You were and are what makes my heart beat.. I love you with every breath I take.. I can’t wait until the day we are together again. I love you Daddy Grinch.. so much
365 days.. has it really been that long? I remember that laugh.. those mischievous grins, the way you would pout when I would leave for work.. the way you looked right through me, and never hesitated to call me on my bullshit.. the way only you could hold me and make the world disappear.. the way you would wipe away my tears and tell me how beautiful I looked, even though I never believed you.. I miss you so much Donald .. every day, every hour, every second I miss you.. One year ago today I lost my best friend, a chunk of my heart, my confidante, my protector, my partner in crime, and the one person who truly “got me”. I miss you so much… so so so much.. Rest in Love my sweet Daddy Grinch.. Olive juice and elephant shoes and movie star kisses..
Aug 13, 2013
One year ago..about this time in the evening, I was told to go home and rest.. because there was nothing for me to do. There was no brain activity, they said.. “go home?” I echoed blankly, not understanding..You WERE my home. How could I walk into that house, without you, when you were just there walking and talking, mere hours before? Get something to eat, take a shower, they said. Just the thought of food made me sick. I came back in and sat on your bed.. I kissed each one of your bruises and stared at your face not knowing what to do. I massaged your cold feet, angry that they couldn’t even give you a pair of socks.. and listened to the ventilator as it kept you somewhere between here and gone. I held your hand to my face and tried to memorize what it felt like because I knew I wouldn’t have you with me anymore to tell me things would be ok.. I laid my head on your chest and cried until there were no more tears and they finally told me to leave.. I kissed your lips, squeezed your foot and left.. and waited for the phone to ring so I could wish your spirit safe travels.. I love you sweetheart..and I always will. No matter how many smiles I create, no matter how many smiles I smile, my heart will always only smile for you..
One year ago today..was the last time I saw your smile. One year ago today was the last time I heard you laugh. One year ago today, you me and Tyson were playing lacrosse, swimming, and laughing. One year ago today was the last time you said you loved me.. And in the morning, the morning of the 13th.. my life changed forever. Never in my life have I felt pain of this magnitude, and it doesn’t lessen with time. I loved you then and I love you now.. I wish things would have been different. I think about you every day and I wish I could just see your sweet face again. Rest in Love my sweet Papa Bear, Daddy Grinch, Hubby, love of my life, bubby bear, Honey.. I love you with every fiber of my being, you were my world and it is a much sadder place without you.
You’ve been on my mind all day.. Remembering what it felt like to be in your arms.. I miss everything about you and it hurts so much to not be able to hold you, make you laugh, kiss your face, and hold your hand. I will never love anyone the way I love you. I can’t wait to be with you again, I wish for it every day. My heart is yours.. Always and forever. I love you so much my sweet handsome man.
My handsome Papa Bear, love of my life, and my one and only.. I miss you more than anything. Life feels so fkn pointless without you next to me. You wait your whole life to meet that one person.. The one who completes you.. And you didn’t even know you were incomplete until you met them.. And then they’re gone. No one will ever fill that Donald sized hole in my heart, nor do I want them to. You were the only person I’ve ever given my whole heart and soul.. And now I’m lost. I effing hate it. I hate not having you by my side. I hate not being able to share my smiles and laughter, not having you to comfort away my doubts and fears, not having you as my cheerleader when I need a pep talk, not being able to kiss your lips or lay my head on your chest and listen to your heart beat until I fall asleep. I miss gently kissing your face while you sleep and watching you wake up with that adorable sleepy face and you’d grab me and pull me into bed to snuggle with you. I miss everything about you. I miss teasing you about falling asleep while we were watching a movie and you would lie and say you weren’t sleeping, and I would pretend to believe you. I miss how you lit up every room you walked into, and how no party ever began until you showed up.. Because you brought the fun wherever you were. I miss rushing home from work just to cuddle with you, and fighting with you bc I wanted to take a shower and you just wanted to hold me – stinky and all. I love you so much. So so so so much baby. I miss you with ever fiber of my being. My heart and soul will always ALWAYS be yours. Forever.
You’ve been in my thoughts and dreams and especially in my daydreams… I try to keep from crying but it just doesn’t work. I miss you so much.. Your “movie star” kisses, you teasing me, you opening my water bottles or monster cans before handing them to me, you opening doors for me, you smiling at me just bc you liked to look at me, I miss your arms around me, you putting on Chapstick then rubbing your lips on mine bc I said I needed some, you trying to wipe my nose on your shirt, I just miss US. I can’t stop myself from missing you.. I don’t want to. I love you more than life Papa Bear.. I need you. I need your snuggos, I need your love more than I need to breathe.
If just for one day you could feel what is in my heart you would understand how crippling the pain can be.. And how difficult it is to hold myself together.. I know I’m not the only one who loves you, or misses you, or wishes every day things were different. But I do know that I am the only one who feels like their heart will never be the same.. As if I was granted just a few months of pure happiness and love, and somehow that is supposed to quench the thirst forever. Forever.. Funny. A word I never believed in until you. And then when you died, my faith and hope died too. Every day I wish I was strong enough to pull that trigger. Every day I wish I could join you. Every day I wish something would just fall out of the sky and kill me. I miss you more than words could ever express.
This is going to be a long one.. this is a compilation of thoughts on different days throughout the last two years after losing the love of my life to suicide… the single most horrifying, traumatic experience I have ever been through. They are in no particular order. I’m crying right now just reading through them.. It will be two years in August.. Rest in Love my sweet handsome man. I love you most..
It crushes me even 7 months later when Beau hears the word “Daddy” his ears perk up and he runs to the door and whines.. Beau misses you too sweetheart.. I’m sure not nearly as much as I do though Just thinking about you and how much you loved me. I miss catching you checking me out and the devious grin you would get when I called you on it. I still get dressed for you.. And imagine you telling me “ooh! Mommy looks so sexxay!” You always made me feel like the only girl in the world. You never once checked out another girl and when I asked you about it you told me “why would I need to check any bitches out? I have my 10 right here” I miss you my love.
The worst part about being in a good mood is knowing I won’t be able to annoy you with my hyperactivity and showering you with kisses until you giggle. Snuggling you and telling you what a good mood I’m in and watching your face light up as my mood infected yours. My heart is still yours..
Will it really be 7 months this month? It felt like for me, time had stood still. I never imagined having to live without you, and it seems I am.. Somehow.. Crawling through each day whispering your name with each breath. I call out to you in my sleep and wake up searching for you. You still hold my heart in your hands. And you will forever. I never knew what love meant until you showed me. I never knew what it felt like to be whole until you said you loved me..I never got it when people said their other half, or they felt at home. I did with you, for the first time in my life I was where I felt complete. I didn’t know how broken I could be without your love. I imagine you every single day.. Laughing, smiling, holding my hand, teasing me about silly stuff.. All I want is to hold you, to kiss you, and make you feel loved. You were my one. The One. My only. My heart my soul my whole universe. I love you more than you will ever know. Rest easy my sweet handsome love. I will see you in my dreams..
I remember what it felt like to be by your side.. Your arm around my shoulders. Strong, proud, loved, whole. What I would give to be by your side now.. Nothing and no one will ever compare. No one could illicit that safe contentment you brought me at just a glance or a kiss or a squeeze of my knee. No one will ever make me feel whole the way you did and no one will ever understand the way my mind works the way you did. My heart my soul my love and my life.. They are one, and they are yours. I don’t think anything hurts more than the emptiness I feel without you. What could have been, what should have been, and how much love I had and still have for you. I think about you every day and sometimes I smile remembering our antics. But more often than not, I cry because my soul lost it’s other half.. Its better, sweeter, more thoughtful, more loving half. You made me better, stronger. I miss you more every day. I love you so so much. I can’t even express how this has broken me in ways I never imagined were possible. Rest in love my sweet handsome man. I will love you forever, just like I promised.
I can’t believe that only 5 months ago I was holding you and kissing you. Sometimes I lay in the bean bag and picture you pulling me on top of you saying you just couldn’t get close enough. And I’d snuggle into your chest and you’d kiss my forehead and I’d sigh with contentment.. My favorite place in the world was in your arms, in your lap, in your heart, and smelling your sweet scent. The one thing that I fight the hardest.. The one thing I can’t pretend through is when I smell your cologne. I lose it every time. I would give anything.. Literally anything, my life, my soul, every possession I’ve ever owned just to have you. I love you with every fiber in my being.. Every tiny insignificant cell.. It is, I am.. and always will be yours
I miss you more and more every day.. So much that my heart stops when certain things remind me of you that I never thought about before. If a million tears were the price to pay to have you back, I would have been with you since that first day. I love you more than anything my sweet Papa Bear.. I just wish you knew how much. Forever in my heart, you are forever my soul. I love you more.. I will wait until the end of time to hear you say again “I love you most”
When I close my eyes sometimes I can still feel your face in my hands as I pull you in for a kiss.. Sometimes I can force my senses to remember your smell as it lingered on my shirt from your hugs.. And sometimes just sometimes I can arrange the pillows almost right to where it feels like you are there. I’ll never get used to this. My heart aches for you. It seems like instead of getting better, it only gets harder with every moment that passes without you. I miss my love, my heart, my best friend. You have no idea how much I need you.
You’re in my dreams when I sleep, you’re in my thoughts when I wake, but when I open my eyes my arms are always empty, as is my heart. I long for you.. A feeling I’ve never quite experienced. I try to use that as fuel, to keep me moving, to make you proud.. But success means nothing without you to share it with. My soul found peace with yours.. And now I just wander aimlessly without my other half. I talk to others hoping to find comfort, but it doesn’t help. You were the only one who could pick me up.. The only one who made me whole. My world is so incomplete without you by my side. Rest easy my love. I hope someday peace will find me.. And in my peace I will be reunited with you, my Love. My one and only..
Will it really be 7 months this month? It felt like for me, time had stood still. I never imagined having to live without you, and it seems I am.. Somehow.. Crawling through each day whispering your name with each breath. I call out to you in my sleep and wake up searching for you. You still hold my heart in your hands. And you will forever. I never knew what love meant until you showed me. I never knew what it felt like to be whole until you said you loved me..I never got it when people said their other half, or they felt at home. I did with you, for the first time in my life I was where I felt complete. I didn’t know how broken I could be without your love. I imagine you every single day.. Laughing, smiling, holding my hand, teasing me about silly stuff.. All I want is to hold you, to kiss you, and make you feel loved. You were my one. The One. My heart my soul my whole universe. I love you more than you will ever know. Rest easy my sweet handsome love. I will see you in my dreams..