Please help me.. I am begging

Every time I feel like I almost have a leg up, my world seems to kick me right in the teeth over and over and over. Today I came home and my water was shut off. I swear every time something like this happens it makes me want to just walk over to the drawer and suck start that pistol. I’m going to try to ask for help… something I don’t usually do. But I’m going to try anyway. Unless you know someone who would just come over and shoot me in the forehead and walk out.. .that would honestly be preferable. I’m waterless, soon to be powerless, and homeless. I can’t feed my dogs. I’ve been drinking expired protein shakes for something like 8-9 months. Idk, I stopped counting. I just want life to NOT suck. But it’s a never ending battle. Seriously never ending.

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Competition…

At my new job, with women I’m not sure even like me.. we started an “office competition” to see who can lose the most weight. I am 5’5″, 169lbs..I’m not fat.. just a little pudgy in the belly. My teammate is 5’7″ish, 190lbs and has the body of a woman who has 3 children by C-section. She’s not fat either, just a little extra baggage. The closest girls to our weights are well over 200lbs. One girl just had gastric bypass and the others are taking thyroid medication and some weird OTC weightloss supplement, and quite possibly a tape worm. I feel like this is high school. Although the competition is supposed to be “friendly” I feel like everyone is ready to sabotage each other rather than support and help one another.  I’m playing along with their joking and smiling.. I’m trying to laugh at the mean comments, although I’ve said several times they make me uncomfortable. I was called “the Duff” by my coworker and boss yesterday.. I didn’t know what it was. I asked and they just smiled and told me to Google it. Google says.. The DUFF: Designated Ugly Fat Friend.

Seriously? I am the only one in this entire office who could not only lift but fireman squat a person. I am the only person in this office who could carry a wounded soldier off a battlefield. The only one who can legit squat 300+ pounds. I am the only one who can ride a bike 8+ miles without feeling like I’m going to die. Or rollerblade for more than an hour. I want to say this competition is stupid and they’re all cheating because they have almost twice the amount of weight to lose. But instead I am going to kick their asses. I am going to drop at least 10% body fat and lose no less than 30 lbs. I am going to show them who the “DUFF” isn’t. And then when they all fail, I am going to sit quietly with my newfound abs and rocking ass body and I am not going to gloat, or brag, or talk trash.. but I am going to be that cute, fit, amazingly nice girl you want to hate because she’s so perfect, but you can’t hate her because she’s too nice. That’s what I’m going to do.

“To give anything less than your best is to sacrifice the gift.”

“Suffer the pain of discipline or suffer the pain of regret.”

Talking to myself

I feel like everything I ever say goes unheard. I feel like everything I write is just for me. No one seems to notice or pay attention. I feel like everything I do is completely pointless because I’m the only one who notices. I’m trying really hard to adjust my way of thinking.. to allow myself the room to accept my life as it is. But it is so overwhelmingly frustrating. Right now I am riding my bike to work because I am too poor to put gas in my car. I pretend it is because I want to “get in shape” but really it’s because I literally don’t even have $3 to my name. I tried to teach a class yesterday at work.. we had all kinds of people sitting around pretending to work. I couldn’t get one person to come to my class. It’s like I’m invisible and I don’t exist. I wonder more often than not why I still try. Why I even put forth any effort whatsoever because it doesn’t matter how hard I try, or don’t try, the outcome is always the same. Nothing. Nothing changes, nothing progresses. I am trying so hard to be positive but it is so damn difficult…

Best song ever

This is one of my favorite songs of all time because it reminds us of the beginning.. when things were much more simple, and yet they faced the same struggles we do now. Ethnocentrism is a problem we need to change. 

Paint with all the Colors of the Wind

You think I’m just an ignorant savage
And you’ve been so many places; I guess it must be so
But still I cannot see, if the savage one is me
How can there be so much that you don’t know?
You don’t know

You think you own whatever land you land on
The earth is just a dead thing you can claim
But I know every rock and tree and creature
Has a life, has a spirit, has a name
.

You think the only people who are people
Are the people who look and think like you

But if you walk the footsteps of a stranger
You’ll learn things you never knew you never knew

Have you ever heard the wolf cry to the blue corn moon
Or asked the grinning bobcat why he grinned
Can you sing with all the voices of the mountain
Can you paint with all the colors of the wind?
Can you paint with all the colors of the wind?

Come run the hidden pine trails of the forest
Come taste the sun-sweet berries of the earth
Come roll in all the riches all around you
And for once never wonder what they’re worth

The rainstorm and the river are my brothers
The heron and the otter are my friends

And we are all connected to each other
In a circle in a hoop that never ends

How high will a sycamore grow?
If you cut it down then you’ll never know

And you’ll never hear the wolf cry to the blue corn moon
For whether we are white or copper skinned
We need to sing with all the voices of the mountain
We need to paint with all the colors of the wind

You can own the earth and still
All you’ll own is earth until

You can paint with all the colors of the wind