Every time I feel like I almost have a leg up, my world seems to kick me right in the teeth over and over and over. Today I came home and my water was shut off. I swear every time something like this happens it makes me want to just walk over to the drawer and suck start that pistol. I’m going to try to ask for help… something I don’t usually do. But I’m going to try anyway. Unless you know someone who would just come over and shoot me in the forehead and walk out.. .that would honestly be preferable. I’m waterless, soon to be powerless, and homeless. I can’t feed my dogs. I’ve been drinking expired protein shakes for something like 8-9 months. Idk, I stopped counting. I just want life to NOT suck. But it’s a never ending battle. Seriously never ending.
At my new job, with women I’m not sure even like me.. we started an “office competition” to see who can lose the most weight. I am 5’5″, 169lbs..I’m not fat.. just a little pudgy in the belly. My teammate is 5’7″ish, 190lbs and has the body of a woman who has 3 children by C-section. She’s not fat either, just a little extra baggage. The closest girls to our weights are well over 200lbs. One girl just had gastric bypass and the others are taking thyroid medication and some weird OTC weightloss supplement, and quite possibly a tape worm. I feel like this is high school. Although the competition is supposed to be “friendly” I feel like everyone is ready to sabotage each other rather than support and help one another. I’m playing along with their joking and smiling.. I’m trying to laugh at the mean comments, although I’ve said several times they make me uncomfortable. I was called “the Duff” by my coworker and boss yesterday.. I didn’t know what it was. I asked and they just smiled and told me to Google it. Google says.. The DUFF: Designated Ugly Fat Friend.
Seriously? I am the only one in this entire office who could not only lift but fireman squat a person. I am the only person in this office who could carry a wounded soldier off a battlefield. The only one who can legit squat 300+ pounds. I am the only one who can ride a bike 8+ miles without feeling like I’m going to die. Or rollerblade for more than an hour. I want to say this competition is stupid and they’re all cheating because they have almost twice the amount of weight to lose. But instead I am going to kick their asses. I am going to drop at least 10% body fat and lose no less than 30 lbs. I am going to show them who the “DUFF” isn’t. And then when they all fail, I am going to sit quietly with my newfound abs and rocking ass body and I am not going to gloat, or brag, or talk trash.. but I am going to be that cute, fit, amazingly nice girl you want to hate because she’s so perfect, but you can’t hate her because she’s too nice. That’s what I’m going to do.
“To give anything less than your best is to sacrifice the gift.”
“Suffer the pain of discipline or suffer the pain of regret.”
This is one of my favorite songs of all time because it reminds us of the beginning.. when things were much more simple, and yet they faced the same struggles we do now. Ethnocentrism is a problem we need to change.
Paint with all the Colors of the Wind
You think I’m just an ignorant savage
And you’ve been so many places; I guess it must be so
But still I cannot see, if the savage one is me
How can there be so much that you don’t know?
You don’t know…
You think you own whatever land you land on
The earth is just a dead thing you can claim
But I know every rock and tree and creature
Has a life, has a spirit, has a name.
You think the only people who are people
Are the people who look and think like you
But if you walk the footsteps of a stranger
You’ll learn things you never knew you never knew
Have you ever heard the wolf cry to the blue corn moon
Or asked the grinning bobcat why he grinned
Can you sing with all the voices of the mountain
Can you paint with all the colors of the wind?
Can you paint with all the colors of the wind?
Come run the hidden pine trails of the forest
Come taste the sun-sweet berries of the earth
Come roll in all the riches all around you
And for once never wonder what they’re worth
The rainstorm and the river are my brothers
The heron and the otter are my friends
And we are all connected to each other
In a circle in a hoop that never ends
How high will a sycamore grow?
If you cut it down then you’ll never know
And you’ll never hear the wolf cry to the blue corn moon
For whether we are white or copper skinned
We need to sing with all the voices of the mountain
We need to paint with all the colors of the wind
You can own the earth and still
All you’ll own is earth until
You can paint with all the colors of the wind
This is the continuation of the compilation of thoughts on different days throughout the last two years after losing the love of my life to suicide… the single most horrifying, traumatic experience I have ever been through. They are in no particular order. I’m crying right now just reading through them.. It will be two years in August.. Rest in Love my sweet handsome man. I love you most..
Every day.. every breath.. every smile.. every tear.. I miss you more and more and more. It never gets easier.. the pain never lessens, the memory never dulls in my mind.. It never feels like I didn’t get robbed of my future, my love, my life, my soul, my purpose for existence.. I feel so empty.. I feel so broken.. I’ve failed you in so many ways.. I dreamed about Tyson last night, he cried for you.. my dreams are so full of pain..so full of terror. I hate sleep, but at the same time I welcome it because sometimes you are there. I’d rather spend 1000 years asleep than one more minute without you awake. I’m so over this. I hate it. I hate being without you. I told you my life would end the day you left me.. and I was more right than I ever imagined. I love you more with every beat of my heart.. I only wish my heart would stop beating so I could hold you again..
There’s nothing I miss more than the simplicity that was us.. I miss how much love was between us.. how easy it was to be myself with you.. I miss how much you loved me.. I miss loving you.. feeling the love emanate from me just by looking at you.. how comforted I felt just having you close.. I miss everything about you, even our fights. I love you so much, no one can compare to you ever.. god I just wish things were different.. I miss you so much. I just want to hear you laugh and see you smile and smell your smell.. I just want to hold you..
I miss you so much..I remember what it felt like to open my eyes and see you.. your handsome face relaxed and content in your sleep.. arms and legs entangled in mine.. not wanting to move bc I didn’t want to wake you.. but knowing as soon as I did you would smile that sleepy adorable smile and squeeze me closer to you and say “just snuggo 5 more minutes mommy” and I’d kiss those lips, melting into you, never wanting to leave. I remember breathing in your scent, how it calmed me and reassured me.. how I knew you were my forever.. my heart is so empty without you.. and my arms still reach for in the night.. I would give anything to hold you, to kiss you, to redo everything in my life to make it right.. I love you Donald James..
“I keep hearing that… That the loss of a child is greater. I resent that, never have lost a child.. I resent having to feel like losing the love of my life, the only someone who ever made me feel like I was truly me, is somehow less of a loss.. is smaller than your loss. I am now broken. I’m now not me. I’m forever changed. I’m undone. A broken heart is a broken heart. To take a measure is cruelty.” I’ve been standing on the ledge for a long time.. the best anyone can give me is “suck it up” or “things will get better” .. where are you when all I need is comfort, to let me cry, to let me be irrational, to let me just feel, and then to help me pick up the pieces.. even when they are broken to the point of non recognition.. I just don’t care anymore. About me, about life, about anything that resembles moving on. They ask when I think I will start dating and in my head I wonder how people became so cold and heartless.. And I wonder if they even realize that it’s none of their fucking business. How do you replace your soulmate? How do you just pretend it never happened? I can’t. And I don’t want to. You weren’t prefect.. And I’m certainly no saint.. I just don’t have the energy to care enough about someone who isn’t you. I couldn’t even make you happy and I loved you with everything I am.. why would I try to make someone else happy? Life is dumb. I wish I could man up and let it go
I feel like I’m just sitting here waiting for life to start.. after all those years of pain, I found my soulmate just to lose you in the blink of an eye. I know we had our issues but I finally felt complete with you. Like the future had hope.. that I had finally found a purpose. I miss your laugh, the way you made every issue seem so little. You made me feel like I could conquer the world. I wish I had made you feel the same. I wish I could rewind time and just hold you. I miss everything about you.. I miss talking about everything and nothing, and I miss how safe I felt in your arms. I still have a hard time believing you aren’t here.. I wonder if I will ever be able to let go. You were and are what makes my heart beat.. I love you with every breath I take.. I can’t wait until the day we are together again. I love you Daddy Grinch.. so much
365 days.. has it really been that long? I remember that laugh.. those mischievous grins, the way you would pout when I would leave for work.. the way you looked right through me, and never hesitated to call me on my bullshit.. the way only you could hold me and make the world disappear.. the way you would wipe away my tears and tell me how beautiful I looked, even though I never believed you.. I miss you so much Donald .. every day, every hour, every second I miss you.. One year ago today I lost my best friend, a chunk of my heart, my confidante, my protector, my partner in crime, and the one person who truly “got me”. I miss you so much… so so so much.. Rest in Love my sweet Daddy Grinch.. Olive juice and elephant shoes and movie star kisses..
Aug 13, 2013
One year ago..about this time in the evening, I was told to go home and rest.. because there was nothing for me to do. There was no brain activity, they said.. “go home?” I echoed blankly, not understanding..You WERE my home. How could I walk into that house, without you, when you were just there walking and talking, mere hours before? Get something to eat, take a shower, they said. Just the thought of food made me sick. I came back in and sat on your bed.. I kissed each one of your bruises and stared at your face not knowing what to do. I massaged your cold feet, angry that they couldn’t even give you a pair of socks.. and listened to the ventilator as it kept you somewhere between here and gone. I held your hand to my face and tried to memorize what it felt like because I knew I wouldn’t have you with me anymore to tell me things would be ok.. I laid my head on your chest and cried until there were no more tears and they finally told me to leave.. I kissed your lips, squeezed your foot and left.. and waited for the phone to ring so I could wish your spirit safe travels.. I love you sweetheart..and I always will. No matter how many smiles I create, no matter how many smiles I smile, my heart will always only smile for you..
One year ago today..was the last time I saw your smile. One year ago today was the last time I heard you laugh. One year ago today, you me and Tyson were playing lacrosse, swimming, and laughing. One year ago today was the last time you said you loved me.. And in the morning, the morning of the 13th.. my life changed forever. Never in my life have I felt pain of this magnitude, and it doesn’t lessen with time. I loved you then and I love you now.. I wish things would have been different. I think about you every day and I wish I could just see your sweet face again. Rest in Love my sweet Papa Bear, Daddy Grinch, Hubby, love of my life, bubby bear, Honey.. I love you with every fiber of my being, you were my world and it is a much sadder place without you.
You’ve been on my mind all day.. Remembering what it felt like to be in your arms.. I miss everything about you and it hurts so much to not be able to hold you, make you laugh, kiss your face, and hold your hand. I will never love anyone the way I love you. I can’t wait to be with you again, I wish for it every day. My heart is yours.. Always and forever. I love you so much my sweet handsome man.
My handsome Papa Bear, love of my life, and my one and only.. I miss you more than anything. Life feels so fkn pointless without you next to me. You wait your whole life to meet that one person.. The one who completes you.. And you didn’t even know you were incomplete until you met them.. And then they’re gone. No one will ever fill that Donald sized hole in my heart, nor do I want them to. You were the only person I’ve ever given my whole heart and soul.. And now I’m lost. I effing hate it. I hate not having you by my side. I hate not being able to share my smiles and laughter, not having you to comfort away my doubts and fears, not having you as my cheerleader when I need a pep talk, not being able to kiss your lips or lay my head on your chest and listen to your heart beat until I fall asleep. I miss gently kissing your face while you sleep and watching you wake up with that adorable sleepy face and you’d grab me and pull me into bed to snuggle with you. I miss everything about you. I miss teasing you about falling asleep while we were watching a movie and you would lie and say you weren’t sleeping, and I would pretend to believe you. I miss how you lit up every room you walked into, and how no party ever began until you showed up.. Because you brought the fun wherever you were. I miss rushing home from work just to cuddle with you, and fighting with you bc I wanted to take a shower and you just wanted to hold me – stinky and all. I love you so much. So so so so much baby. I miss you with ever fiber of my being. My heart and soul will always ALWAYS be yours. Forever.
You’ve been in my thoughts and dreams and especially in my daydreams… I try to keep from crying but it just doesn’t work. I miss you so much.. Your “movie star” kisses, you teasing me, you opening my water bottles or monster cans before handing them to me, you opening doors for me, you smiling at me just bc you liked to look at me, I miss your arms around me, you putting on Chapstick then rubbing your lips on mine bc I said I needed some, you trying to wipe my nose on your shirt, I just miss US. I can’t stop myself from missing you.. I don’t want to. I love you more than life Papa Bear.. I need you. I need your snuggos, I need your love more than I need to breathe.
If just for one day you could feel what is in my heart you would understand how crippling the pain can be.. And how difficult it is to hold myself together.. I know I’m not the only one who loves you, or misses you, or wishes every day things were different. But I do know that I am the only one who feels like their heart will never be the same.. As if I was granted just a few months of pure happiness and love, and somehow that is supposed to quench the thirst forever. Forever.. Funny. A word I never believed in until you. And then when you died, my faith and hope died too. Every day I wish I was strong enough to pull that trigger. Every day I wish I could join you. Every day I wish something would just fall out of the sky and kill me. I miss you more than words could ever express.
This is going to be a long one.. this is a compilation of thoughts on different days throughout the last two years after losing the love of my life to suicide… the single most horrifying, traumatic experience I have ever been through. They are in no particular order. I’m crying right now just reading through them.. It will be two years in August.. Rest in Love my sweet handsome man. I love you most..
It crushes me even 7 months later when Beau hears the word “Daddy” his ears perk up and he runs to the door and whines.. Beau misses you too sweetheart.. I’m sure not nearly as much as I do though Just thinking about you and how much you loved me. I miss catching you checking me out and the devious grin you would get when I called you on it. I still get dressed for you.. And imagine you telling me “ooh! Mommy looks so sexxay!” You always made me feel like the only girl in the world. You never once checked out another girl and when I asked you about it you told me “why would I need to check any bitches out? I have my 10 right here” I miss you my love.
The worst part about being in a good mood is knowing I won’t be able to annoy you with my hyperactivity and showering you with kisses until you giggle. Snuggling you and telling you what a good mood I’m in and watching your face light up as my mood infected yours. My heart is still yours..
Will it really be 7 months this month? It felt like for me, time had stood still. I never imagined having to live without you, and it seems I am.. Somehow.. Crawling through each day whispering your name with each breath. I call out to you in my sleep and wake up searching for you. You still hold my heart in your hands. And you will forever. I never knew what love meant until you showed me. I never knew what it felt like to be whole until you said you loved me..I never got it when people said their other half, or they felt at home. I did with you, for the first time in my life I was where I felt complete. I didn’t know how broken I could be without your love. I imagine you every single day.. Laughing, smiling, holding my hand, teasing me about silly stuff.. All I want is to hold you, to kiss you, and make you feel loved. You were my one. The One. My only. My heart my soul my whole universe. I love you more than you will ever know. Rest easy my sweet handsome love. I will see you in my dreams..
I remember what it felt like to be by your side.. Your arm around my shoulders. Strong, proud, loved, whole. What I would give to be by your side now.. Nothing and no one will ever compare. No one could illicit that safe contentment you brought me at just a glance or a kiss or a squeeze of my knee. No one will ever make me feel whole the way you did and no one will ever understand the way my mind works the way you did. My heart my soul my love and my life.. They are one, and they are yours. I don’t think anything hurts more than the emptiness I feel without you. What could have been, what should have been, and how much love I had and still have for you. I think about you every day and sometimes I smile remembering our antics. But more often than not, I cry because my soul lost it’s other half.. Its better, sweeter, more thoughtful, more loving half. You made me better, stronger. I miss you more every day. I love you so so much. I can’t even express how this has broken me in ways I never imagined were possible. Rest in love my sweet handsome man. I will love you forever, just like I promised.
I can’t believe that only 5 months ago I was holding you and kissing you. Sometimes I lay in the bean bag and picture you pulling me on top of you saying you just couldn’t get close enough. And I’d snuggle into your chest and you’d kiss my forehead and I’d sigh with contentment.. My favorite place in the world was in your arms, in your lap, in your heart, and smelling your sweet scent. The one thing that I fight the hardest.. The one thing I can’t pretend through is when I smell your cologne. I lose it every time. I would give anything.. Literally anything, my life, my soul, every possession I’ve ever owned just to have you. I love you with every fiber in my being.. Every tiny insignificant cell.. It is, I am.. and always will be yours
I miss you more and more every day.. So much that my heart stops when certain things remind me of you that I never thought about before. If a million tears were the price to pay to have you back, I would have been with you since that first day. I love you more than anything my sweet Papa Bear.. I just wish you knew how much. Forever in my heart, you are forever my soul. I love you more.. I will wait until the end of time to hear you say again “I love you most”
When I close my eyes sometimes I can still feel your face in my hands as I pull you in for a kiss.. Sometimes I can force my senses to remember your smell as it lingered on my shirt from your hugs.. And sometimes just sometimes I can arrange the pillows almost right to where it feels like you are there. I’ll never get used to this. My heart aches for you. It seems like instead of getting better, it only gets harder with every moment that passes without you. I miss my love, my heart, my best friend. You have no idea how much I need you.
You’re in my dreams when I sleep, you’re in my thoughts when I wake, but when I open my eyes my arms are always empty, as is my heart. I long for you.. A feeling I’ve never quite experienced. I try to use that as fuel, to keep me moving, to make you proud.. But success means nothing without you to share it with. My soul found peace with yours.. And now I just wander aimlessly without my other half. I talk to others hoping to find comfort, but it doesn’t help. You were the only one who could pick me up.. The only one who made me whole. My world is so incomplete without you by my side. Rest easy my love. I hope someday peace will find me.. And in my peace I will be reunited with you, my Love. My one and only..
Will it really be 7 months this month? It felt like for me, time had stood still. I never imagined having to live without you, and it seems I am.. Somehow.. Crawling through each day whispering your name with each breath. I call out to you in my sleep and wake up searching for you. You still hold my heart in your hands. And you will forever. I never knew what love meant until you showed me. I never knew what it felt like to be whole until you said you loved me..I never got it when people said their other half, or they felt at home. I did with you, for the first time in my life I was where I felt complete. I didn’t know how broken I could be without your love. I imagine you every single day.. Laughing, smiling, holding my hand, teasing me about silly stuff.. All I want is to hold you, to kiss you, and make you feel loved. You were my one. The One. My heart my soul my whole universe. I love you more than you will ever know. Rest easy my sweet handsome love. I will see you in my dreams..
This was written before, but I have updated and tweaked it to go more in depth with what I meant..
Does anyone else catch themselves doing this: you feel like you’re under appreciated at work and not valued as a person let alone an employee and you watch managers just absolutely suck or who are incredibly lazy and nothing happens because they are untouchable. You feel like you’re invisible as a hard worker and so your performance starts to decline because you no longer take pride in your work knowing that its all for nothing because others do less than you and still have jobs. But you still point out the flaws in the system because you’ve done it and know there are better ways to do it..yet you’re no longer a valid source of reason because you’ve been kind of a turd and they ignore you.. Which just adds to the decline in motivation to work hard. Which leads to showing up late, calling in, half assing things, or having a pissy attitude or not being proactive and ignoring or avoiding things that “aren’t your job”, you stop going the extra mile because no one notices or even says thank you and you feel taken advantage of…
I’ve been doing that a lot in the last two years, especially after I lost Donald.. And truthfully it’s not their fault.. It’s mine. I lost all motivation for everything somewhere between coming home from deployment, losing JD, losing my deployment friends, losing my purpose, and then worst of all – losing Donald on top of that. At some point I need to wake up and I need to stop looking for external validation and just do me. The problem is, I’ve lost sight of that person. I look at pictures from the past of me smiling and I wonder how long it’s been since those smiles were REAL and not forced. I wonder why they are all fleeting. I wonder when I will be able to FEEL happy like that again and not just plaster these fake cheerleader smiles on my face to get me through the day. I wonder when I became the girl who was afraid of her own shadow instead of the girl who was ready to take on the whole world single handedly with one arm tied behind her back.
It’s time to turn over a new leaf. I know this. I can’t live like this. Not because of work itself, but because I used to take pride in my work ethic and somewhere along the line I lost that. That huge bout of depression didn’t help either.. But I can’t wallow forever and I’m tired of being the girl no one can count on. I need to find that Warrior Princess everyone keeps saying I am..