Please help me.. I am begging

Every time I feel like I almost have a leg up, my world seems to kick me right in the teeth over and over and over. Today I came home and my water was shut off. I swear every time something like this happens it makes me want to just walk over to the drawer and suck start that pistol. I’m going to try to ask for help… something I don’t usually do. But I’m going to try anyway. Unless you know someone who would just come over and shoot me in the forehead and walk out.. .that would honestly be preferable. I’m waterless, soon to be powerless, and homeless. I can’t feed my dogs. I’ve been drinking expired protein shakes for something like 8-9 months. Idk, I stopped counting. I just want life to NOT suck. But it’s a never ending battle. Seriously never ending.




At my new job, with women I’m not sure even like me.. we started an “office competition” to see who can lose the most weight. I am 5’5″, 169lbs..I’m not fat.. just a little pudgy in the belly. My teammate is 5’7″ish, 190lbs and has the body of a woman who has 3 children by C-section. She’s not fat either, just a little extra baggage. The closest girls to our weights are well over 200lbs. One girl just had gastric bypass and the others are taking thyroid medication and some weird OTC weightloss supplement, and quite possibly a tape worm. I feel like this is high school. Although the competition is supposed to be “friendly” I feel like everyone is ready to sabotage each other rather than support and help one another.  I’m playing along with their joking and smiling.. I’m trying to laugh at the mean comments, although I’ve said several times they make me uncomfortable. I was called “the Duff” by my coworker and boss yesterday.. I didn’t know what it was. I asked and they just smiled and told me to Google it. Google says.. The DUFF: Designated Ugly Fat Friend.

Seriously? I am the only one in this entire office who could not only lift but fireman squat a person. I am the only person in this office who could carry a wounded soldier off a battlefield. The only one who can legit squat 300+ pounds. I am the only one who can ride a bike 8+ miles without feeling like I’m going to die. Or rollerblade for more than an hour. I want to say this competition is stupid and they’re all cheating because they have almost twice the amount of weight to lose. But instead I am going to kick their asses. I am going to drop at least 10% body fat and lose no less than 30 lbs. I am going to show them who the “DUFF” isn’t. And then when they all fail, I am going to sit quietly with my newfound abs and rocking ass body and I am not going to gloat, or brag, or talk trash.. but I am going to be that cute, fit, amazingly nice girl you want to hate because she’s so perfect, but you can’t hate her because she’s too nice. That’s what I’m going to do.

“To give anything less than your best is to sacrifice the gift.”

“Suffer the pain of discipline or suffer the pain of regret.”

Talking to myself

I feel like everything I ever say goes unheard. I feel like everything I write is just for me. No one seems to notice or pay attention. I feel like everything I do is completely pointless because I’m the only one who notices. I’m trying really hard to adjust my way of thinking.. to allow myself the room to accept my life as it is. But it is so overwhelmingly frustrating. Right now I am riding my bike to work because I am too poor to put gas in my car. I pretend it is because I want to “get in shape” but really it’s because I literally don’t even have $3 to my name. I tried to teach a class yesterday at work.. we had all kinds of people sitting around pretending to work. I couldn’t get one person to come to my class. It’s like I’m invisible and I don’t exist. I wonder more often than not why I still try. Why I even put forth any effort whatsoever because it doesn’t matter how hard I try, or don’t try, the outcome is always the same. Nothing. Nothing changes, nothing progresses. I am trying so hard to be positive but it is so damn difficult…

Best song ever

This is one of my favorite songs of all time because it reminds us of the beginning.. when things were much more simple, and yet they faced the same struggles we do now. Ethnocentrism is a problem we need to change. 

Paint with all the Colors of the Wind

You think I’m just an ignorant savage
And you’ve been so many places; I guess it must be so
But still I cannot see, if the savage one is me
How can there be so much that you don’t know?
You don’t know

You think you own whatever land you land on
The earth is just a dead thing you can claim
But I know every rock and tree and creature
Has a life, has a spirit, has a name

You think the only people who are people
Are the people who look and think like you

But if you walk the footsteps of a stranger
You’ll learn things you never knew you never knew

Have you ever heard the wolf cry to the blue corn moon
Or asked the grinning bobcat why he grinned
Can you sing with all the voices of the mountain
Can you paint with all the colors of the wind?
Can you paint with all the colors of the wind?

Come run the hidden pine trails of the forest
Come taste the sun-sweet berries of the earth
Come roll in all the riches all around you
And for once never wonder what they’re worth

The rainstorm and the river are my brothers
The heron and the otter are my friends

And we are all connected to each other
In a circle in a hoop that never ends

How high will a sycamore grow?
If you cut it down then you’ll never know

And you’ll never hear the wolf cry to the blue corn moon
For whether we are white or copper skinned
We need to sing with all the voices of the mountain
We need to paint with all the colors of the wind

You can own the earth and still
All you’ll own is earth until

You can paint with all the colors of the wind

Make it go Away…

Every day I wake up and I wish for my life to get better.. to have something to live for. Something I can focus on, to spend my time on.. to make life somewhat meaningful. I am lost. I’ve been lost for a long time. When I had Donald, I felt for the first time in a long time that the future held something for me. That I wasn’t just floundering around waiting for life to start. I felt like tomorrow was something to look forward to and not just a repeat of yesterday’s emptiness. I know that life should be something more than this. I know that there is supposed to be something out there that makes me happy. But I just can’t find it. The military held promise, but that chapter is about to close on me before I am finished. I don’t want to say goodbye to it. I felt like I had so much more to give. I’ve tried working out – but I just can’t find the motivation. I am so tired of being alone. So tired of having no one in my life to talk to, so tired of being alone. I have friends, but they have families and lives and children and everything else that takes precedence. I just want to matter. I can’t live like this. I hate my life. I don’t know how to change it. I’ve tried and failed so many times. I just want someone to love me.. anyone. Friends, family, some random stranger.. I don’t even care. Every time I think of leaving Beau, my chocolate lab, I cry. I don’t cry for the end of my life, I just cry because I know he will be confused and I have no idea if anyone would take him. And even if they did, would they love him enough to keep him happy? I just want the pain to stop. I just want the emptiness not to feel so dark and vast and never ending. I want to close my eyes and never open them again. I wish I could just get hit by a giant truck and be done with it all. Just make the pain stop. Make it all go away.

Anti-girl Problems Week 1: Day 4.

Intro to my work peeps:

the Freak – my boss who is a completely nutzo absolutely oversharing sex manic

The Tail – the other receptionist who only got hired because she’s friends with the Freak

Go to girl (GG) – the only one in the office I like

Southern Charm – for all the backhanded things she says while smiling but really means go fuck yourself with every smile

So today was in a great mood when I got to work. They moved me off the front desk into the side office with GG, which is nice because now I don’t get as much high school drama traffic. GG is teaching not only me, but two other girls how to do our jobs. No one is really helping her and The Tail spends most of every day in the Freak’s office gossiping.

I got yelled at for “sitting unprofessionally”. Which to her defense, I was, in fact, doing such. I was waiting for GG to finish teaching girl #3 something and my feet were on an open drawer as I was kind of crouch leaning forward – think bleacher stance. I was googling a word for my coworker because she didn’t believe my definition of “cohort”.

My boss (The Freak) says in what I took as a joking one,because she jokes with everyone, “hey stop texting and do some work”. I reply in a joking tone, “I’m not texting I’m googling a definition for GG”. I then say loudly, also in a joking tone, to GG, “hurry up and give me my next task!”. My boss walks in and tells me to come to her office.  When I get in there she completely lays into me about how unprofessional I am for my feet being up and if I don’t have anything to do then I need to find something to do. Which is funny because literally the day before, I was trying to be proactive and I started putting things away, taking out trash, wiping down cabinets, and washed all the coffee cups that were just left in the sink. As I was doing all that, The Tail was sitting in the Freak’s office.. gossiping. I apparently missed two phone calls and the Freak yells “HELLO!?!?! PHONE!!!!” Dude, wtf. Chick secretary #2 (the Tail) is sitting right next to you and um, you’re the OFFICE MANAGER. If things go unanswered regardless of whether I answer, you do, or some random does, it ALL reflects upon you. So just letting it ring to be a spiteful bitch?  Not super intelligent. So I go back to the desk and don’t leave again. Maybe it’s just me, but I was surprised to hear her tell me to leave the desk after telling me 24 hours prior not to leave the phones unattended.

But here’s my favorite part, AGAIN.. less than 24 hours prior, this SAME Freak who tells me I’M unprofessional was standing in the middle of the office talking about how she loves rough sex and she loves sucking dick but refuses to swallow because the only two people who swallow are hoes and bitches in love. Then she proceeds to go into seriously vulgar descriptions of how she gives blow jobs and how if a dude cums deep in your throat, it’s not technically swallowing because it’s already halfway down there. She was talking about licking a man’s asshole and how she loves a guy to put their entire tongue in her ass.. and on and on and on. Not only that, but this conversation STARTED at lunch. In public. I told them the conversation made me uncomfortable, but they just kept laughing. I was really embarrassed because there were several elderly people around and to me, that’s just trashy. I’m all for doing what you want in the bedroom, but can you keep it there… please? I don’t need to hear about it.

ANYWAY…  I want to know how you have the audacity to say that I am the unprofessional one when you are the one talking about all that disgusting stuff, in a doctor’s office, while I’m taking calls from patients on the phone, you sit in your office all day and gossip with Southern Charm and The Tail, and you’re the office manager. Dude, what world do you live in?!

Oh and today, I asked GG to watch the phone so I could pee, mind you The Tail is in the back gossiping somewhere. GG answers a call, then gets another one – from the back office The Tail and Freak are in. Then because GG didn’t automatically place them on hold, and I was mid-potty, the Freak screams “Who is answering the fucking phones?!” I came out of the bathroom and just looked at her with that ‘you’re a fucking moron’ face. Then snarkily responded with a “sorry I had to pee”.

I was seriously so close to telling her to go fuck herself and walking out. You legit spend half the day fucking off gossiping in your office and yet I’m the one who’s wrong.

Here’s my real issue, how do I know where my boundaries are if YOU are completely unprofessional all the time? I’m just going to play that bullshit “speak when spoken to game” and be done with it.

Magic Mike :/

My friend and I went to see Magic Mike and of course, it was nothing short of droolworthy.. but the part in the movie that caught me off guard was the part where they are telling this woman that she is worthy. Worthy of love and worthy of being treated like a queen and having her every fantasy fulfilled because her husband should love her enough to want to SEE her. Her fantasy was making love with the lights on, listening to her favorite song. One of the guys in the movie started singing the song she mentioned and began touching her hair as knelt down in front of her and held her hands while he looked into her eyes.

It was this part that made me cry. Remembering you staring at me, touching my face and telling me how incredibly beautiful I was.. remembering you dancing with me in the kitchen to no music. Just you and me. The world completely melted away every time you looked at me. I loved coming home to you. I loved talking to you about my hopes and dreams and what we could accomplish together. I loved every minute of every day – even our fights. I cried because I don’t think it’s possible to find that more than once. I don’t think that anyone will ever quite understand me the way that you did. I won’t deny that you were broken. I am broken too. I was broken then, and even more so now without you.

“If I fall for you.. I’ll never recover. If I fall for you, I’ll never be the same.”