Every time I feel like I almost have a leg up, my world seems to kick me right in the teeth over and over and over. Today I came home and my water was shut off. I swear every time something like this happens it makes me want to just walk over to the drawer and suck start that pistol. I’m going to try to ask for help… something I don’t usually do. But I’m going to try anyway. Unless you know someone who would just come over and shoot me in the forehead and walk out.. .that would honestly be preferable. I’m waterless, soon to be powerless, and homeless. I can’t feed my dogs. I’ve been drinking expired protein shakes for something like 8-9 months. Idk, I stopped counting. I just want life to NOT suck. But it’s a never ending battle. Seriously never ending.
At my new job, with women I’m not sure even like me.. we started an “office competition” to see who can lose the most weight. I am 5’5″, 169lbs..I’m not fat.. just a little pudgy in the belly. My teammate is 5’7″ish, 190lbs and has the body of a woman who has 3 children by C-section. She’s not fat either, just a little extra baggage. The closest girls to our weights are well over 200lbs. One girl just had gastric bypass and the others are taking thyroid medication and some weird OTC weightloss supplement, and quite possibly a tape worm. I feel like this is high school. Although the competition is supposed to be “friendly” I feel like everyone is ready to sabotage each other rather than support and help one another. I’m playing along with their joking and smiling.. I’m trying to laugh at the mean comments, although I’ve said several times they make me uncomfortable. I was called “the Duff” by my coworker and boss yesterday.. I didn’t know what it was. I asked and they just smiled and told me to Google it. Google says.. The DUFF: Designated Ugly Fat Friend.
Seriously? I am the only one in this entire office who could not only lift but fireman squat a person. I am the only person in this office who could carry a wounded soldier off a battlefield. The only one who can legit squat 300+ pounds. I am the only one who can ride a bike 8+ miles without feeling like I’m going to die. Or rollerblade for more than an hour. I want to say this competition is stupid and they’re all cheating because they have almost twice the amount of weight to lose. But instead I am going to kick their asses. I am going to drop at least 10% body fat and lose no less than 30 lbs. I am going to show them who the “DUFF” isn’t. And then when they all fail, I am going to sit quietly with my newfound abs and rocking ass body and I am not going to gloat, or brag, or talk trash.. but I am going to be that cute, fit, amazingly nice girl you want to hate because she’s so perfect, but you can’t hate her because she’s too nice. That’s what I’m going to do.
“To give anything less than your best is to sacrifice the gift.”
“Suffer the pain of discipline or suffer the pain of regret.”
I feel like everything I ever say goes unheard. I feel like everything I write is just for me. No one seems to notice or pay attention. I feel like everything I do is completely pointless because I’m the only one who notices. I’m trying really hard to adjust my way of thinking.. to allow myself the room to accept my life as it is. But it is so overwhelmingly frustrating. Right now I am riding my bike to work because I am too poor to put gas in my car. I pretend it is because I want to “get in shape” but really it’s because I literally don’t even have $3 to my name. I tried to teach a class yesterday at work.. we had all kinds of people sitting around pretending to work. I couldn’t get one person to come to my class. It’s like I’m invisible and I don’t exist. I wonder more often than not why I still try. Why I even put forth any effort whatsoever because it doesn’t matter how hard I try, or don’t try, the outcome is always the same. Nothing. Nothing changes, nothing progresses. I am trying so hard to be positive but it is so damn difficult…
This is one of my favorite songs of all time because it reminds us of the beginning.. when things were much more simple, and yet they faced the same struggles we do now. Ethnocentrism is a problem we need to change.
Paint with all the Colors of the Wind
You think I’m just an ignorant savage
And you’ve been so many places; I guess it must be so
But still I cannot see, if the savage one is me
How can there be so much that you don’t know?
You don’t know…
You think you own whatever land you land on
The earth is just a dead thing you can claim
But I know every rock and tree and creature
Has a life, has a spirit, has a name.
You think the only people who are people
Are the people who look and think like you
But if you walk the footsteps of a stranger
You’ll learn things you never knew you never knew
Have you ever heard the wolf cry to the blue corn moon
Or asked the grinning bobcat why he grinned
Can you sing with all the voices of the mountain
Can you paint with all the colors of the wind?
Can you paint with all the colors of the wind?
Come run the hidden pine trails of the forest
Come taste the sun-sweet berries of the earth
Come roll in all the riches all around you
And for once never wonder what they’re worth
The rainstorm and the river are my brothers
The heron and the otter are my friends
And we are all connected to each other
In a circle in a hoop that never ends
How high will a sycamore grow?
If you cut it down then you’ll never know
And you’ll never hear the wolf cry to the blue corn moon
For whether we are white or copper skinned
We need to sing with all the voices of the mountain
We need to paint with all the colors of the wind
You can own the earth and still
All you’ll own is earth until
You can paint with all the colors of the wind
Every day I wake up and I wish for my life to get better.. to have something to live for. Something I can focus on, to spend my time on.. to make life somewhat meaningful. I am lost. I’ve been lost for a long time. When I had Donald, I felt for the first time in a long time that the future held something for me. That I wasn’t just floundering around waiting for life to start. I felt like tomorrow was something to look forward to and not just a repeat of yesterday’s emptiness. I know that life should be something more than this. I know that there is supposed to be something out there that makes me happy. But I just can’t find it. The military held promise, but that chapter is about to close on me before I am finished. I don’t want to say goodbye to it. I felt like I had so much more to give. I’ve tried working out – but I just can’t find the motivation. I am so tired of being alone. So tired of having no one in my life to talk to, so tired of being alone. I have friends, but they have families and lives and children and everything else that takes precedence. I just want to matter. I can’t live like this. I hate my life. I don’t know how to change it. I’ve tried and failed so many times. I just want someone to love me.. anyone. Friends, family, some random stranger.. I don’t even care. Every time I think of leaving Beau, my chocolate lab, I cry. I don’t cry for the end of my life, I just cry because I know he will be confused and I have no idea if anyone would take him. And even if they did, would they love him enough to keep him happy? I just want the pain to stop. I just want the emptiness not to feel so dark and vast and never ending. I want to close my eyes and never open them again. I wish I could just get hit by a giant truck and be done with it all. Just make the pain stop. Make it all go away.
My friend and I went to see Magic Mike and of course, it was nothing short of droolworthy.. but the part in the movie that caught me off guard was the part where they are telling this woman that she is worthy. Worthy of love and worthy of being treated like a queen and having her every fantasy fulfilled because her husband should love her enough to want to SEE her. Her fantasy was making love with the lights on, listening to her favorite song. One of the guys in the movie started singing the song she mentioned and began touching her hair as knelt down in front of her and held her hands while he looked into her eyes.
It was this part that made me cry. Remembering you staring at me, touching my face and telling me how incredibly beautiful I was.. remembering you dancing with me in the kitchen to no music. Just you and me. The world completely melted away every time you looked at me. I loved coming home to you. I loved talking to you about my hopes and dreams and what we could accomplish together. I loved every minute of every day – even our fights. I cried because I don’t think it’s possible to find that more than once. I don’t think that anyone will ever quite understand me the way that you did. I won’t deny that you were broken. I am broken too. I was broken then, and even more so now without you.
“If I fall for you.. I’ll never recover. If I fall for you, I’ll never be the same.”