Finding yourself

It’s so easy to get stuck in our world, stuck doing the same mundane things every single day. It’s easy to get sucked into your job and convince yourself that you have to stay or it’s your responsibility to make that company work. Especially if you’re a manager people feel responsible and then you end up staying even though you’re unhappy because you use it as an excuse to hide from what you really want. But all it does is drag you down and make it harder for you to chase your dream. The moment you stop living for everyone else who doesn’t matter is the moment that you wake up and start living a life that will make you happy. I’m still trying to figure out where I fit into that. But it’s so easy for me to sit on the sidelines and tell other people how to find their happiness. It’s so easy to see in someone else’s life but so hard to see in my own. I wish somebody would just tell me how to wake up because I’ve gotten so far away from the person I used to be I don’t even remember who she is anymore. I miss her. I miss the girl that used to smile. The girl that used to be able to make everyone else last. The girl that was ready for anything and could conquer it all. I started working out again and I hope that that will find me some peace and the ability to see who I really am.

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Feety Massages

I’m sitting here watching TV feeling all of my muscles being sore from working out all this week. I stretched my feet and caught a cramp… It made me think of you. It made me think of all the times that we cuddled together on the couch and you would insist on rubbing my feet. Every time I was surprised you actually enjoyed it and how you would insist on using the Ped Egg and rub lotion on my feet sometimes for hours. It made me think of how you would rip my shoes off after I had a hard day at work and say “let me rub mommy’s feetys” and I would complain about how I smelled and I didn’t want you to touch my feet because they were sweaty from being at work all day. And you would hold my foot to your face and inhale deeply through your nose and kiss my and  or lick it and say “I love mommy’s stinkies!!” Or how I would try to rush to the shower because I knew I smelled bad from work and you would follow me and just to prove a point you would smell my armpits. God I just miss you so much. It’ll be 2 years in August and my life feels just as empty now as it did the day I lost you. I miss the laughter. I miss our silliness. I miss your smile. I miss your smell. I miss putting my cold feet under your warm legs in bed and listening to you squeal. I miss you pulling me closer to you while I slept. I miss waking up to your handsome face and covering you with kisses. I miss you packing my work bag and putting little notes to remind me of something that I always inevitably would have forgotten without it. I miss your laughter. I miss how bright my life was with you in it. I miss everything about you. My sweet Daddy Grinch.. This world is not the same with you not in it.

Competition…

At my new job, with women I’m not sure even like me.. we started an “office competition” to see who can lose the most weight. I am 5’5″, 169lbs..I’m not fat.. just a little pudgy in the belly. My teammate is 5’7″ish, 190lbs and has the body of a woman who has 3 children by C-section. She’s not fat either, just a little extra baggage. The closest girls to our weights are well over 200lbs. One girl just had gastric bypass and the others are taking thyroid medication and some weird OTC weightloss supplement, and quite possibly a tape worm. I feel like this is high school. Although the competition is supposed to be “friendly” I feel like everyone is ready to sabotage each other rather than support and help one another.  I’m playing along with their joking and smiling.. I’m trying to laugh at the mean comments, although I’ve said several times they make me uncomfortable. I was called “the Duff” by my coworker and boss yesterday.. I didn’t know what it was. I asked and they just smiled and told me to Google it. Google says.. The DUFF: Designated Ugly Fat Friend.

Seriously? I am the only one in this entire office who could not only lift but fireman squat a person. I am the only person in this office who could carry a wounded soldier off a battlefield. The only one who can legit squat 300+ pounds. I am the only one who can ride a bike 8+ miles without feeling like I’m going to die. Or rollerblade for more than an hour. I want to say this competition is stupid and they’re all cheating because they have almost twice the amount of weight to lose. But instead I am going to kick their asses. I am going to drop at least 10% body fat and lose no less than 30 lbs. I am going to show them who the “DUFF” isn’t. And then when they all fail, I am going to sit quietly with my newfound abs and rocking ass body and I am not going to gloat, or brag, or talk trash.. but I am going to be that cute, fit, amazingly nice girl you want to hate because she’s so perfect, but you can’t hate her because she’s too nice. That’s what I’m going to do.

“To give anything less than your best is to sacrifice the gift.”

“Suffer the pain of discipline or suffer the pain of regret.”

Talking to myself

I feel like everything I ever say goes unheard. I feel like everything I write is just for me. No one seems to notice or pay attention. I feel like everything I do is completely pointless because I’m the only one who notices. I’m trying really hard to adjust my way of thinking.. to allow myself the room to accept my life as it is. But it is so overwhelmingly frustrating. Right now I am riding my bike to work because I am too poor to put gas in my car. I pretend it is because I want to “get in shape” but really it’s because I literally don’t even have $3 to my name. I tried to teach a class yesterday at work.. we had all kinds of people sitting around pretending to work. I couldn’t get one person to come to my class. It’s like I’m invisible and I don’t exist. I wonder more often than not why I still try. Why I even put forth any effort whatsoever because it doesn’t matter how hard I try, or don’t try, the outcome is always the same. Nothing. Nothing changes, nothing progresses. I am trying so hard to be positive but it is so damn difficult…

Best song ever

This is one of my favorite songs of all time because it reminds us of the beginning.. when things were much more simple, and yet they faced the same struggles we do now. Ethnocentrism is a problem we need to change. 

Paint with all the Colors of the Wind

You think I’m just an ignorant savage
And you’ve been so many places; I guess it must be so
But still I cannot see, if the savage one is me
How can there be so much that you don’t know?
You don’t know

You think you own whatever land you land on
The earth is just a dead thing you can claim
But I know every rock and tree and creature
Has a life, has a spirit, has a name
.

You think the only people who are people
Are the people who look and think like you

But if you walk the footsteps of a stranger
You’ll learn things you never knew you never knew

Have you ever heard the wolf cry to the blue corn moon
Or asked the grinning bobcat why he grinned
Can you sing with all the voices of the mountain
Can you paint with all the colors of the wind?
Can you paint with all the colors of the wind?

Come run the hidden pine trails of the forest
Come taste the sun-sweet berries of the earth
Come roll in all the riches all around you
And for once never wonder what they’re worth

The rainstorm and the river are my brothers
The heron and the otter are my friends

And we are all connected to each other
In a circle in a hoop that never ends

How high will a sycamore grow?
If you cut it down then you’ll never know

And you’ll never hear the wolf cry to the blue corn moon
For whether we are white or copper skinned
We need to sing with all the voices of the mountain
We need to paint with all the colors of the wind

You can own the earth and still
All you’ll own is earth until

You can paint with all the colors of the wind

Make it go Away…

Every day I wake up and I wish for my life to get better.. to have something to live for. Something I can focus on, to spend my time on.. to make life somewhat meaningful. I am lost. I’ve been lost for a long time. When I had Donald, I felt for the first time in a long time that the future held something for me. That I wasn’t just floundering around waiting for life to start. I felt like tomorrow was something to look forward to and not just a repeat of yesterday’s emptiness. I know that life should be something more than this. I know that there is supposed to be something out there that makes me happy. But I just can’t find it. The military held promise, but that chapter is about to close on me before I am finished. I don’t want to say goodbye to it. I felt like I had so much more to give. I’ve tried working out – but I just can’t find the motivation. I am so tired of being alone. So tired of having no one in my life to talk to, so tired of being alone. I have friends, but they have families and lives and children and everything else that takes precedence. I just want to matter. I can’t live like this. I hate my life. I don’t know how to change it. I’ve tried and failed so many times. I just want someone to love me.. anyone. Friends, family, some random stranger.. I don’t even care. Every time I think of leaving Beau, my chocolate lab, I cry. I don’t cry for the end of my life, I just cry because I know he will be confused and I have no idea if anyone would take him. And even if they did, would they love him enough to keep him happy? I just want the pain to stop. I just want the emptiness not to feel so dark and vast and never ending. I want to close my eyes and never open them again. I wish I could just get hit by a giant truck and be done with it all. Just make the pain stop. Make it all go away.

Anti-girl Problems: Week 2: Day 1

There are three sides to every story.. Your side, my side, and the truth. Today I was reminded of this first hand. My disdain for the female population and unwillingness to accept that I can not always be in charge has caused more difficulties than I care to admit. I like being in charge. I don’t follow orders well and I need to realize sometimes I am just going to have to sit back and shut my mouth. The wake up call today was yet another one I didn’t want to face. But in the end, it was something I needed to hear.