My Sweet Handsome Papa Grinch

This is going to be a long one.. this is a compilation of thoughts on different days throughout the last two years after losing the love of my life to suicide… the single most horrifying, traumatic experience I have ever been through. They are in no particular order. I’m crying right now just reading through them.. It will be two years in August.. Rest in Love my sweet handsome man. I love you most.. 

It crushes me even 7 months later when Beau hears the word “Daddy” his ears perk up and he runs to the door and whines.. Beau misses you too sweetheart.. I’m sure not nearly as much as I do though Just thinking about you and how much you loved me. I miss catching you checking me out and the devious grin you would get when I called you on it. I still get dressed for you.. And imagine you telling me “ooh! Mommy looks so sexxay!” You always made me feel like the only girl in the world. You never once checked out another girl and when I asked you about it you told me “why would I need to check any bitches out? I have my 10 right here” I miss you my love.

The worst part about being in a good mood is knowing I won’t be able to annoy you with my hyperactivity and showering you with kisses until you giggle. Snuggling you and telling you what a good mood I’m in and watching your face light up as my mood infected yours. My heart is still yours..

Will it really be 7 months this month? It felt like for me, time had stood still. I never imagined having to live without you, and it seems I am.. Somehow.. Crawling through each day whispering your name with each breath. I call out to you in my sleep and wake up searching for you. You still hold my heart in your hands. And you will forever. I never knew what love meant until you showed me. I never knew what it felt like to be whole until you said you loved me..I never got it when people said their other half, or they felt at home. I did with you, for the first time in my life I was where I felt complete. I didn’t know how broken I could be without your love. I imagine you every single day.. Laughing, smiling, holding my hand, teasing me about silly stuff.. All I want is to hold you, to kiss you, and make you feel loved. You were my one. The One. My only. My heart my soul my whole universe. I love you more than you will ever know. Rest easy my sweet handsome love. I will see you in my dreams..

I remember what it felt like to be by your side.. Your arm around my shoulders. Strong, proud, loved, whole. What I would give to be by your side now.. Nothing and no one will ever compare. No one could illicit that safe contentment you brought me at just a glance or a kiss or a squeeze of my knee. No one will ever make me feel whole the way you did and no one will ever understand the way my mind works the way you did. My heart my soul my love and my life.. They are one, and they are yours. I don’t think anything hurts more than the emptiness I feel without you. What could have been, what should have been, and how much love I had and still have for you. I think about you every day and sometimes I smile remembering our antics. But more often than not, I cry because my soul lost it’s other half.. Its better, sweeter, more thoughtful, more loving half. You made me better, stronger. I miss you more every day. I love you so so much. I can’t even express how this has broken me in ways I never imagined were possible. Rest in love my sweet handsome man. I will love you forever, just like I promised.

I can’t believe that only 5 months ago I was holding you and kissing you. Sometimes I lay in the bean bag and picture you pulling me on top of you saying you just couldn’t get close enough. And I’d snuggle into your chest and you’d kiss my forehead and I’d sigh with contentment.. My favorite place in the world was in your arms, in your lap, in your heart, and smelling your sweet scent. The one thing that I fight the hardest.. The one thing I can’t pretend through is when I smell your cologne. I lose it every time. I would give anything.. Literally anything, my life, my soul, every possession I’ve ever owned just to have you. I love you with every fiber in my being.. Every tiny insignificant cell.. It is, I am.. and always will be yours

I miss you more and more every day.. So much that my heart stops when certain things remind me of you that I never thought about before. If a million tears were the price to pay to have you back, I would have been with you since that first day. I love you more than anything my sweet Papa Bear.. I just wish you knew how much. Forever in my heart, you are forever my soul. I love you more.. I will wait until the end of time to hear you say again “I love you most”

When I close my eyes sometimes I can still feel your face in my hands as I pull you in for a kiss.. Sometimes I can force my senses to remember your smell as it lingered on my shirt from your hugs.. And sometimes just sometimes I can arrange the pillows almost right to where it feels like you are there. I’ll never get used to this. My heart aches for you. It seems like instead of getting better, it only gets harder with every moment that passes without you. I miss my love, my heart, my best friend. You have no idea how much I need you.

You’re in my dreams when I sleep, you’re in my thoughts when I wake, but when I open my eyes my arms are always empty, as is my heart. I long for you.. A feeling I’ve never quite experienced. I try to use that as fuel, to keep me moving, to make you proud.. But success means nothing without you to share it with. My soul found peace with yours.. And now I just wander aimlessly without my other half. I talk to others hoping to find comfort, but it doesn’t help. You were the only one who could pick me up.. The only one who made me whole. My world is so incomplete without you by my side. Rest easy my love. I hope someday peace will find me.. And in my peace I will be reunited with you, my Love. My one and only..

Will it really be 7 months this month? It felt like for me, time had stood still. I never imagined having to live without you, and it seems I am.. Somehow.. Crawling through each day whispering your name with each breath. I call out to you in my sleep and wake up searching for you. You still hold my heart in your hands. And you will forever. I never knew what love meant until you showed me. I never knew what it felt like to be whole until you said you loved me..I never got it when people said their other half, or they felt at home. I did with you, for the first time in my life I was where I felt complete. I didn’t know how broken I could be without your love. I imagine you every single day.. Laughing, smiling, holding my hand, teasing me about silly stuff.. All I want is to hold you, to kiss you, and make you feel loved. You were my one. The One. My heart my soul my whole universe. I love you more than you will ever know. Rest easy my sweet handsome love. I will see you in my dreams..

September 8, 2013

I have the feeling I’m always going to be wishing you were here and wondering what if. I just miss you. I miss seeing your face first thing in the morning, and kissing your lips at night before I fell asleep. I miss cooking dinner with you and cleaning up our messes. I miss doing every little mundane thing that you made fun. I miss you telling me I’m pretty, telling everyone I was your wifey. I miss you kissing my forehead while I laid on your chest. I miss smelling your scent on my clothes when I would hug you goodbye. I miss coming home from work and snuggling up to your warm body and kissing your adorable “I just woke up” face looking all guilty because you forgot to do whatever it was I asked you to because you fell asleep waiting for me to get off work. I loved how sometimes kissing you awake would scare the crap out of you and made me laugh and you would pout and grab me and pull me to you to snuggle. I miss that loud boisterous laugh you would get when something really cracked you up – like when Tyson told you he kissed me. I miss making you smile. Most of all, I miss my best friend. My other half. When I told you that you were my other half, I meant it.. What I didn’t realize was that you were so much more than that. So much more than I could ever imagine or explain. Saying I miss you can’t even begin to put into words the magnitude of the emptiness I feel waking up and going to sleep and living each day without you. I miss how your arms made me feel safer than I’ve ever felt in my whole life. You made me feel like the most beautiful woman in the world. Like there was no other girl who could ever catch your eye, and how you would tell me that no other girl before me ever mattered as much as I did. You never let anyone disrespect me or make me feel uncomfortable. You always ALWAYS stood up for me. I would literally give anything, ANYTHING to be in your arms again kissing your sweet face. My heart and soul are broken. My purpose is lost. I finally found my “one”. I finally held you in my arms. You were my reason for waking up, my reason to smile, my heart my soul, my life. I’m so lost without you. I don’t know how to live without my heartbeat. You were the breath I breathed. My whole world. I loved how you would get all wound up and excited and giddy and you would grab me and dance around the house with me. Or you would just hug me because you knew I had a crappy day. Always trying to rub “daddy’s feetys”..always calling everything of mine yours. I know we fought, and I know I’m not perfect. But those arguments are so small in comparison to the amount of love we shared. You were everything I ever wanted and needed and more than I ever knew I wanted. I am an empty shell without you and there is nothing that will ever ease this pain. Not time, not faith, not memories. Just you. I will always love you, just like I promised you a million times. And I will never love anyone as much or on the level that I love you. You were and are and always will be my heart and soul. I love you Papa Bear. I love you more than life itself. I will love you forever until the day I die. My Hubby, my love, my baby, my bubbys, my sweetheart, my partner in crime, my best friend, my whole world, my sweet sweet Daddy Grinch, I am yours. Always.