Just taking up space

This was written before, but I have updated and tweaked it to go more in depth with what I meant..

Does anyone else catch themselves doing this: you feel like you’re under appreciated at work and not valued as a person let alone an employee and you watch managers just absolutely suck or who are incredibly lazy and nothing happens because they are untouchable. You feel like you’re invisible as a hard worker and so your performance starts to decline because you no longer take pride in your work knowing that its all for nothing because others do less than you and still have jobs. But you still point out the flaws in the system because you’ve done it and know there are better ways to do it..yet you’re no longer a valid source of reason because you’ve been kind of a turd and they ignore you.. Which just adds to the decline in motivation to work hard. Which leads to showing up late, calling in, half assing things, or having a pissy attitude or not being proactive and ignoring or avoiding things that “aren’t your job”, you stop going the extra mile because no one notices or even says thank you and you feel taken advantage of…

I’ve been doing that a lot in the last two years, especially after I lost Donald.. And truthfully it’s not their fault.. It’s mine. I lost all motivation for everything somewhere between coming home from deployment, losing JD, losing my deployment friends, losing my purpose, and then worst of all – losing Donald on top of that. At some point I need to wake up and I need to stop looking for external validation and just do me. The problem is, I’ve lost sight of that person. I look at pictures from the past of me smiling and I wonder how long it’s been since those smiles were REAL and not forced. I wonder why they are all fleeting. I wonder when I will be able to FEEL happy like that again and not just plaster these fake cheerleader smiles on my face to get me through the day. I wonder when I became the girl who was afraid of her own shadow instead of the girl who was ready to take on the whole world single handedly with one arm tied behind her back.

It’s time to turn over a new leaf. I know this. I can’t live like this. Not because of work itself, but because I used to take pride in my work ethic and somewhere along the line I lost that. That huge bout of depression didn’t help either.. But I can’t wallow forever and I’m tired of being the girl no one can count on. I need to find that Warrior Princess everyone keeps saying I am..